I Don’t Hate What Autism Has Done to My Life

I Don’t Hate What Autism Has Done to My Life
by Tammy Rodriguez, parent

You heard me right; I don’t hate what autism has done to my life.

If you would have told me six years ago that I would ever utter those words, I would have called you crazy, insane, or worse.

In 1998, almost eight months pregnant with my second child, our pediatrician whispered to himself out loud: "Oh my God, I think we have another case of autism here." The pediatrician knew he was supposed to wait for the team to diagnose my 3-year-old son Jack, which was months away, but his disbelief overcame his protocol simply because Jack was his sixth diagnosis of autism that week.

Being the movie buffs that we are, my husband and I immediately thought of Rainman.

How could our precious 3-year-old boy turn into Rainman? Surely Jack wasn’t speaking in 2-3 word phrases or following simple 2-step directions because I was a working mom and he and his grandmother watched too many Barney and Thomas videos during the day. Surely he was just another kind of brilliant, something that the pediatrician obviously did not see in his 30 minute physical exam. This 3-year-old child knew his ABC’s and numbers. He was reading license plates. He turned the letter Z sideways and knew it was an N. There must be some mistake.

Oh, the many faces of autism we were about to embark on.

I don’t hate what autism has done to my life. Autism, quite simply, has made me a better person.

It has forced me to slow down. It sounds trite, but I truly do appreciate the little things now. I don’t take much for granted.

I listen to people, I mean really listen to people.

I try to understand the cause and effect in not just the behavior of my children, but in most every person and every obstacle I encounter. I have more patience than I ever thought possible.

I try everyday to concentrate on the present, not too much on the past or too much on the future. And I certainly do not sweat the small stuff.

I don’t hate what autism has done to my life. Yes, autism has made me a better person.

I do, however, hate what autism has done to the lives of my children.

I hate that they may never develop friendships like I have. I hate that there exists the real possibility that my boys may never know the joy of a base hit, a game winning soccer goal or a touchdown.

I hate that my children may never experience butterflies in their stomach when driving their first car or asking a girl out for a first date.

There are some days that I hate thinking my children may never get a high school diploma, let alone go on to college, or have a fulfilling career because our test crazy society has yet to develop any kind of test that can truly gauge the intelligence of my boys.

I hate that my boys may never know the consuming feeling of falling in love, getting married, and the incredible joy of having children of their own.

I may not hate what autism has done to my life, but I despise what it has done to the lives of my children.

When I first started dealing with all of these new emotions six years ago when Jack was diagnosed, and again three years ago when my second son, Joe, was diagnosed, I thought autism could change the lives of our family, friends and acquaintances just as it had changed our lives. I thought that Jack and Joe would teach them to slow down and feel truly blessed for what they had.

I thought our friends would cease to worry so much if Bobbie was not the star of the soccer team or if Susie was not the head cheerleader and honor roll student. I believed that they all would realize that every child has his or her own strengths—that every child has a gift and an ability to make his or her own contributions to our society.

Well, I soon learned how naive that thinking was. Let’s face it, most people are so busy with their own lives that they simply cannot or choose now to slow down and learn what Jack and Joe can teach them.

But all is not lost …

Just because people can’t allow Jack and Joe to truly change their lives, does not mean they do not want to help Jack and Joe. They are more than happy to contribute to our many causes and for that I am touched and grateful.